Divine Intervention

Divine Intervention

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. 

On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?

The Tiny Cabin

 THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first

tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the Outhouse!'

Hospital Information, How is Norma?

How is Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is 

doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' 

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!!

True Story

Blonde and Jigsaw Puzzle

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE.....  

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' 

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' 

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' 

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax.  Let's have  a  nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .

*

*

*

*

*

*

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box!'

The Woman from Georgia

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. 

The first man had married a Woman from Tennessee and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away..

The second man had married a woman from Illinois . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Georgia . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

May the Luck of The Irish Be With You Today

The Irish and wanna be Irish are celebrating St. Patrick's day today (March 17th). They are fun loving people who also make jokes about themselves, in particular a fellow named Paddy Murphy.

Here are some Irish jokes sent to me by my good friend Norma, plus a few that were told to us on our trip to Ireland several years ago.  Enjoy!!

The luck of the IRISH be with YOU. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ a Novena is a prayer ++++

Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch!  What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-s_ _ t!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy is not real bright.  He still doesn't understand why his sister has three brothers and he has only two. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He said Paddy's grandfather went to the doctor and said he couldn't pee.  The doctor asked him how old he was.  He said 97.  The doctor said, "You have peed enough!"     

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was going to be the first man in space.  The Irish sent Paddy and a monkey into orbit.  They gave Paddy and the monkey an envelope each.  When they got into orbit, the monkey opened his envelope.  It gave the monkey all kinds of complicated instructions, he was flipping switches, turning dials, making calculations.  Paddy opened his envelope and it said, "Feed the monkey!” 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Even though Ireland is know for getting a lot of rain, it only rained twice last last week. Once for three days and then again for four.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Happy St. Patrick's Day and may the luck of the Irish be with you!!!

A Redneck Couple

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. 

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. 

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' 

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall..) 

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along. 

It's That Time of the Year

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the their office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph.  'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' 

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney.  'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

Biscuit

Biscuit

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had – an elephant? 

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. 

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. 

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

BOTTLE OF WINE

BOTTLE OF WINE

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

 

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

 

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women

shouldn't be allowed to drive.' 

 

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

 

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

 

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

 

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil people. Don't mess with them.

Fwd: SO Sad! A Retired Tweety

---

SO Sad! A Retired Tweety

We're all getting older---Even Tweety!!!!!

Obituary

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

The Rancher and the DEA

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there,' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, Let me tell you something, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ... on any land ... no questions asked or answers given ... have I made myself clear? Do YOU understand me?'

 The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

 A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased, close behind, by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

 The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

--Compliments of Mitch

Tough Marriage

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the singledollar bill that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.   

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....


(You're going to hate me for this ... )

Scroll Down

 

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'  

 

Oh, quit groaning! 
I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you

Exercise One Liners

These are from my friend Joan who exercises every day.

After all you know what they say " You need to walk a mile in another man's shoes.  That way if you  decide you don't like him,  you are a mile away from him and you've got

his Shoes !

 

   Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

   *****************************************

    My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.....Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

    *******************************************

    I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    *******************************************

    The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    ********************************************

    I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

     ********************************************

    I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.

   *******************************************

    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

    ********************************************

    I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 

  ******************************************

     The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

    ********************************************

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

     ********************************************

    I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

   ******************************************

   We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

     *********************** *********************

    AND

 

     Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Retiring to Florida

For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful. 

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. 

There are 3000 lakes in Florida, only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities... 

Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes.

It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day. 

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once.  Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. 

After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity. 

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. 

I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap. 

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free!

After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.. 

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. 

The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints. 

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. 

Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again. 

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. 

I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. 

Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch. 

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. 

Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk. 

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. 

After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts. 

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. 

Where would you rather live... Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? 

There's no difference. 

They're both owned by Murray. 

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. 

If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida . 

I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

Henny Youngman Jokes - Part 1

Famous Henny Youngman one liners and jokes.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy."

The man says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" 

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" 

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!" 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" 

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" 

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." 

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. 

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. 

Fwd: ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

 ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !
 
 1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
 
 2... You walka pasta da candy store.
 
 3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
 
 4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

 You will lose weight!

 

Chocolate makes my clothes shrink!