Daddy, How was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

 

Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

 

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said

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'You have Male!'

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. 

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. 

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. 

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' 

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall..) 

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along. 

It's That Time of the Year

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the their office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph.  'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' 

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney.  'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

Exercise One Liners

These are from my friend Joan who exercises every day.

After all you know what they say " You need to walk a mile in another man's shoes.  That way if you  decide you don't like him,  you are a mile away from him and you've got

his Shoes !

 

   Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

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    My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.....Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

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    I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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    The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

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    I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

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    I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.

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    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

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    I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 

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     The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

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    If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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    I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

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   We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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    AND

 

     Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Retiring to Florida

For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful. 

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. 

There are 3000 lakes in Florida, only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities... 

Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes.

It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day. 

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once.  Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. 

After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity. 

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. 

I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap. 

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free!

After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.. 

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. 

The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints. 

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. 

Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again. 

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. 

I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. 

Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch. 

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. 

Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk. 

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. 

After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts. 

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. 

Where would you rather live... Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? 

There's no difference. 

They're both owned by Murray. 

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. 

If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida . 

I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

Henny Youngman Jokes - Part 1

Famous Henny Youngman one liners and jokes.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy."

The man says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" 

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" 

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!" 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" 

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" 

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." 

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. 

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.