Henny Youngman Jokes - Part 1

Famous Henny Youngman one liners and jokes.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy."

The man says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" 

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" 

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!" 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" 

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" 

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." 

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. 

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.