Blonde and Jigsaw Puzzle

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE.....  

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' 

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' 

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' 

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax.  Let's have  a  nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .

*

*

*

*

*

*

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box!'

A Redneck Couple

Biscuit

Biscuit

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had – an elephant? 

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. 

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. 

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

BOTTLE OF WINE

BOTTLE OF WINE

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

 

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

 

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women

shouldn't be allowed to drive.' 

 

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

 

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

 

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

 

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil people. Don't mess with them.

Fwd: SO Sad! A Retired Tweety

---

SO Sad! A Retired Tweety

We're all getting older---Even Tweety!!!!!

Obituary

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

Retiring to Florida

For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful. 

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. 

There are 3000 lakes in Florida, only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities... 

Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes.

It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day. 

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once.  Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. 

After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity. 

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. 

I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap. 

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free!

After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.. 

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. 

The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints. 

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. 

Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again. 

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. 

I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. 

Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch. 

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. 

Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk. 

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. 

After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts. 

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. 

Where would you rather live... Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? 

There's no difference. 

They're both owned by Murray. 

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. 

If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida . 

I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

Henny Youngman Jokes - Part 1

Famous Henny Youngman one liners and jokes.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy."

The man says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" 

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" 

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!" 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" 

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" 

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." 

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. 

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. 

Fwd: ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

 ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !
 
 1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
 
 2... You walka pasta da candy store.
 
 3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
 
 4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

 You will lose weight!

 

Chocolate makes my clothes shrink!