Miss Joyce

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered d own the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived all of 'em.'

Kids

1) OPINION 

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by

this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

2) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old

daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

3) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.

She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a

seat belt!'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,

with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter,

haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking

up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'

'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 

'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 

'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

 

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,

Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

 

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my

afternoon rounds.  She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. 

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself  for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely

turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that

suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had

secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say

the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 

'Glory be unto the Faaather,

and unto the Sonnnn,

and into the hole he goooes.' 

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,

and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the

Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.'

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!

Daddy, How was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

 

Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

 

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said

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'You have Male!'

How to Make a Woman Happy

How to Make a Woman Happy

(be sure to read to the end)

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover 

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber 

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist 

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist 

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer 

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic 

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant 

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant 

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous 

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable 

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping 

47. be honest

48. be very rich 

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes 

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 

54. Never to forget: 

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes 

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

A woman only needs to:

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

Seniors on a Little Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her...



'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!'

Parents Job Description

POSITION :

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging 

permanent work in an

often chaotic environment. 

Candidates must possess excellent communication 

and organizational skills and be willing to work 

variable hours, which will include

evenings and weekends 

and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. 

Some overnight travel required, including trips to 

primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! 

Travel expenses not reimbursed. 

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life. 

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, 

until someone needs $5. 

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. 

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a 

pack mule 

and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat 

in case, this time, the screams from 

the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. 

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, 

such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets 

and stuck zippers 

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and 

coordinate production of multiple homework projects. 

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings 

for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. 

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, 

an embarrassment the next. 

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a 

half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. 

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. 

Must assume final, complete accountability for 

the quality of the end product. 

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and 

janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. 

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, 

so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this!   You pay them! 

Offering frequent raises and bonuses. 

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because 

of the assumption that college will help them 

become financially independent. 

When you die, you give them whatever is left. 

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that 

you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, 

no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and 

no stock options are offered; 

this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, 

and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, 

letting them know they are appreciated

for the fabulous job they do...

or forward with love

to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

                    ** AND A FOOTNOTE ?

THERE IS NO RETIREMENT  --  EVER!!! **

                            If you are fortunate enough, you will become grandparents!

Divine Intervention

Divine Intervention

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he’s sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won’t run into anyone from his parish. 

On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who’s he going to tell?

The Tiny Cabin

 THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first

tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the Outhouse!'

Redneck Couple

For Those Over 60

Q:   Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A:   Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q:   What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A:   Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q:   Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A:   Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..'

Q:   How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A:   Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:   How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A:   Take off your glasses.

Q:   Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A:   Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q:   Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A:   Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:   Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A:   Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q:   As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A:   Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:   Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A:   On their foreheads.

Q:   What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?

A:   'Gosh, I remember these.

Joke - Funny Doctor Stories

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! 

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

Big breaths, I instructed.

Yes, they used to be, replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a, 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr.. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

one of his medications.

Which one, I asked?

The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!

I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Just so you will know, the instructions did include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bedridden?

After a look of complete confusion, she answered....Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?

It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.

I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name.

AND FINALLY!!!...

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.

To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?

She replied, No doctor, it was the song you were whistling, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

May the Luck of The Irish Be With You Today

The Irish and wanna be Irish are celebrating St. Patrick's day today (March 17th). They are fun loving people who also make jokes about themselves, in particular a fellow named Paddy Murphy.

Here are some Irish jokes sent to me by my good friend Norma, plus a few that were told to us on our trip to Ireland several years ago.  Enjoy!!

The luck of the IRISH be with YOU. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ a Novena is a prayer ++++

Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch!  What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-s_ _ t!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy is not real bright.  He still doesn't understand why his sister has three brothers and he has only two. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He said Paddy's grandfather went to the doctor and said he couldn't pee.  The doctor asked him how old he was.  He said 97.  The doctor said, "You have peed enough!"     

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was going to be the first man in space.  The Irish sent Paddy and a monkey into orbit.  They gave Paddy and the monkey an envelope each.  When they got into orbit, the monkey opened his envelope.  It gave the monkey all kinds of complicated instructions, he was flipping switches, turning dials, making calculations.  Paddy opened his envelope and it said, "Feed the monkey!” 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Even though Ireland is know for getting a lot of rain, it only rained twice last last week. Once for three days and then again for four.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Happy St. Patrick's Day and may the luck of the Irish be with you!!!

A Redneck Couple

Henny Youngman Jokes - Part 1

Famous Henny Youngman one liners and jokes.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy."

The man says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" 

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" 

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!" 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" 

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" 

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." 

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. 

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.