Joke - Funny Doctor Stories

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! 

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

Big breaths, I instructed.

Yes, they used to be, replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a, 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr.. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with

one of his medications.

Which one, I asked?

The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!

I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Just so you will know, the instructions did include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long have you been bedridden?

After a look of complete confusion, she answered....Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?

It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.

I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name.

AND FINALLY!!!...

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.

To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?

She replied, No doctor, it was the song you were whistling, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)

Joke: You might get banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 12:  While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3:  Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:  In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 13. October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed

 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

 And last, but not least:

15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here...' One of the clerks passed out.

Check out the information on the Conficker Worm.

Two Large Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

 

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

 

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

 

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?  "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and p-- through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

 

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

 

"Well, you know, not everybody pays".

New Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 

10 lbs. As promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'..

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week

At Any Given Moment ....

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment  

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.  

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.  

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.  

FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails.

.... 

......

You hang in there sunshine.......

Oldies But Goodies

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

____________________________________________________

An elderly gentleman....  Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%  

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'  

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..  I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!' 

____________________________________________________

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'  Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'  'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'  'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' 

____________________________________________________

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'  

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'  'Do you mean a rose?'  'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. 

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' 

____________________________________________________

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.  'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' 

____________________________________________________

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.  'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'  'Sure.'  'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.  'No, I can remember it.'  'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'  He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.. '  'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.  Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'  

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,  The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.  'Where's my toast ?' 

____________________________________________________

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:  'So I hear you're getting married?'  'Yep!'  'Do I know her?'  'Nope!'  'This woman, is she good looking?'  'Not really.'  'Is she a good cook?'  'Naw, she can't cook too well.'  'Does she have lots of money?'  'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'  'Well, then, is she good in bed?'  'I don't know.'  'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'  'Because she can still drive!' 

____________________________________________________

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'  'Really,' answered the neighbor.  'What kind is it?'  'Twelve thirty.' 

____________________________________________________

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'  Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''  

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 

____________________________________________________

One more. . .! 

 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.  The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'  'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 

Blonde and Jigsaw Puzzle

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE.....  

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.' 

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' 

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.' 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' 

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax.  Let's have  a  nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .. .

*

*

*

*

*

*

'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

TELL  ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!! 
(Unfortunately it probably will)
 

 LOST  IN THE DARNDEST PLACES

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken  into.  She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:  'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. 

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' 

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says. 
'She got in the back-seat by mistake.' 
________________________________________________________________   
FAMILY 

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.  One night the 96-year old   
 draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.  She yells to the other sisters,  
 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' 
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know.  I'll come up and see.'    
 She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?' 
 The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.  She shakes her head and says, ' 
 I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.'   
 She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the  door.' 
___________________________________________________________ 
'I  CAN HEAR JUST FINE!' 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  
 One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' 

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I.  Let's have a beer ....' 
_________________________________________________________________   
LITTLE  LADY: 

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, 
 she would flip up the hem of her night-gown and say 'Supersex.'  She walked up to an 
 elderly man in a wheelchair.  Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex..' 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'   
_____________________________________________________________ 
OLD  FRIENDS: 

Now  this one is just too Precious... !

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.  Over the years, they had shared   
 all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. 
  One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the   
 other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me.  I know we've been friends for a long time,   
 but I just can't think of your name!  I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.     
Please tell me what your name is ' 
 Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.     
 Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?' 
_________________________________________________________________   
SENIOR  DRIVING 
As a senior citizen  was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he 
 heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Ernie, I just heard on the news 
 that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.  Please be careful!' 

'Heck,' said  Ernie, 'It's not just one car.  It's hundreds of them!'   
________________________________________________________________  
DRIVING 
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the   
 dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.   The stoplight   
 was red, but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to   
 herself, 'I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'    
 After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was 
  red again.  Again,  they went right through. 
  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light   
 had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.   She was getting nervous.    
 At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.    
So, she turned to the other woman and said, 
  'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through   
 three red lights in a row?  
 You could have killed us both!' 
  Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'  

  
TELL  ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

The Woman from Georgia

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. 

The first man had married a Woman from Tennessee and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away..

The second man had married a woman from Illinois . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Georgia . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

When I get mad....

Husband says:   When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger? 

Wife says:   I clean the toilet.

Husband says:   How does that help?

Wife says:   I use your toothbrush. 

May the Luck of The Irish Be With You Today

The Irish and wanna be Irish are celebrating St. Patrick's day today (March 17th). They are fun loving people who also make jokes about themselves, in particular a fellow named Paddy Murphy.

Here are some Irish jokes sent to me by my good friend Norma, plus a few that were told to us on our trip to Ireland several years ago.  Enjoy!!

The luck of the IRISH be with YOU. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ a Novena is a prayer ++++

Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch!  What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-s_ _ t!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy is not real bright.  He still doesn't understand why his sister has three brothers and he has only two. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

He said Paddy's grandfather went to the doctor and said he couldn't pee.  The doctor asked him how old he was.  He said 97.  The doctor said, "You have peed enough!"     

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was going to be the first man in space.  The Irish sent Paddy and a monkey into orbit.  They gave Paddy and the monkey an envelope each.  When they got into orbit, the monkey opened his envelope.  It gave the monkey all kinds of complicated instructions, he was flipping switches, turning dials, making calculations.  Paddy opened his envelope and it said, "Feed the monkey!” 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Even though Ireland is know for getting a lot of rain, it only rained twice last last week. Once for three days and then again for four.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Happy St. Patrick's Day and may the luck of the Irish be with you!!!

A Redneck Couple

Romantic First Line - Least Romantic Second Line

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION 
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME 
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, 
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC  SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: 
Marrying you has screwed up my life. 
  
2. My love, you take my breath away. 
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; 
This describes everything you are not.   
  
4.. I thought that I could love no other 
-- that is until I met your brother. 
  
5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. 
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's 
empty and so is your head. 
 
6.. I want to feel your sweet embrace; 
But don't take that paper bag off your face. 
 
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes 
Darn, I'm good at telling lies! 

8.. I see your face when I am dreaming. 
That's why I always wake up screaming. 
    

9. My feelings for you no words can tell, 
Except for maybe 'Go to h___.' 
 
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme? 
Two parts vodka, one part lime. 

  

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?