Jokes for Church

These were from my friend Pam. 

LOT'S WIFE
        The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
        A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'  A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
        A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms?'

HIGHER POWER
        A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
        Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
        A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23.  She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.  Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.  After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.  On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.  When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

BEING THANKFUL
        A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'Your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

UNANSWERED PRAYER
        The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.  One day, she asked him why.  'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'  'So, how come He doesn't?' she asked.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
        During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified.  She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'  Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

TIME TO PRAY
        A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.  'Yes, sir.' the boy replied.  'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.  'No sir,' the boy replied.  'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

EQUAL REPRESENTATION
        When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every pet, current and past.  For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'All girls.'  This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'  Her response, 'Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
        Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house.  Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.  When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.  'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.  'I don't need to,' the boy replied.  'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted.  'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'  'That's at our house.'  Johnny explained.  'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

Exercise One Liners

These are from my friend Joan who exercises every day.

After all you know what they say " You need to walk a mile in another man's shoes.  That way if you  decide you don't like him,  you are a mile away from him and you've got

his Shoes !

 

   Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

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    My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.....Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

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    I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

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    The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

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    I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

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    I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.

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    Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

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    I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 

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     The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

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    If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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    I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

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   We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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    AND

 

     Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Retiring to Florida

For those of you contemplating retirement, I would like to share my retirement experiences with you, which I hope will be helpful. 

Fifteen years ago my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida's Southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-hachee. 

There are 3000 lakes in Florida, only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Your days will be eaten up by simple, daily activities... 

Just getting out of your car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where you parked takes 20 minutes.

It takes 1/2 hour on the check-out line in Wal-Mart and 1 hour to return the item the next day. 

Let me take you through a typical day. We get up at 5:00 AM, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk and Talk Club. There are about 30 of us and rain or shine we walk around the streets, all talking at once.  Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6 AM. 

After a nimble walk avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity. 

My wife goes directly to the pool for her under water Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. 

I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the club house lobby for a nice nap. 

Before you know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free!

After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00.. 

We're usually back home by 2 PM to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3 PM, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters. 

The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. You can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Sweet-and-Low along with mints. 

At 5:30 we're home ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 we're fast asleep. 

Then we get up and make 5 or 6 trips to the bathroom during the night and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again. 

Doctor related activities eat up most of your retirement time. 

I enjoy reading old magazines in sub zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling for test results also help the days fly by. It takes at least half an hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. 

Then there's the hold time until you're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget you're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch. 

Should you find you still have time on your hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. 

Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4 1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk. 

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors or 'bottom feeders' as we call them because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. 

After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts. 

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida . They convey world traveler, uppity sophistication and wealth. 

Where would you rather live... Murray's Condos or the Lakes Of Venice? 

There's no difference. 

They're both owned by Murray. 

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. 

If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida . 

I live in The Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

And Then the Fight Started ...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.

 

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

 

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started.

 

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started.

 

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.

 

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.

Henny Youngman Jokes - Part 2

Famous Henny Youngman one liners and jokes.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! 

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!" 

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. 

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he 

falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, 

he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?" 

A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday." 

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries. 

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. 

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!" 

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me! 

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. 

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" 

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 

My wife has a black belt in shopping. 

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. 

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. 

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair. 

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. 

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. 

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!" 

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake. 

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. 

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree! 

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. 

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" 

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. 

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. 

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." 

Henny Youngman Jokes - Part 1

Famous Henny Youngman one liners and jokes.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy."

The man says, "I want a second opinion."

The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" 

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" 

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!" 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" 

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" 

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started." 

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. 

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. 

Fwd: ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

 ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !
 
 1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
 
 2... You walka pasta da candy store.
 
 3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
 
 4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

 You will lose weight!

 

Chocolate makes my clothes shrink!

Test of a True Friend

Who is your true friend?

This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

 Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you??